Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
