He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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