Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
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