well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
