It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
