K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
