I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
