No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
