Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
