i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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