I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
