Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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