my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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