I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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