Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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