my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
