I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
