if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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