you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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