I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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