We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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