You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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