I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
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I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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