That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
