I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
