I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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