Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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