He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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