Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
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I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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