ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
