I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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