turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
