i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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