I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am midnight drunk by noon
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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