i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
