Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
