She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
