mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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