He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
