you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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