that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
