What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
