I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
