Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
