Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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