does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
