What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
