In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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