The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
