Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
