totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
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What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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