"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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