so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
