I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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