pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
