Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
