just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you would pick up someone in the library
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My penis needs a shock collar
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
