I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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