umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
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God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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