Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
