I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
