i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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